With exception to a brief career as a professional prosthetic-limb league cage fighter, I haven't done anything consciously stupid of late. Thus, I've signed up for the Ride Around Mount Rainier in One Day (RAMROD) 'ultra-marathon'; a single day 150 mile bike ride with 10,000 feet of climbing.
Such a physical endeavor requires preparation; therefore I've considered the following to ensure a successful outcome:
MOTIVATION: While methods of motivation run the gamut, I tend to find 'the stick' method much more convincing than that of the coddling that is 'the carrot' persuasion. Therefore, I think I might just rock these bad boy duds during the ride:
I'm sure there are those that would agree with me in finding this Nalini Naturino uniform atrociously Euro-trashy, but I can't imagine any other set of clothing that would motivate me to ride faster and harder. Not so much that it has some special design to maximize pedaling efficiency or comfort, but rather it would be sheer embarrassment that would motivate me to finish the ride as quickly as possible so as to unburden myself of the scorn and mockery that wearing these outfit entails.
MIND SET: To help whittle away the hours of toil and sweat, a theme song comes in handy. In this instance, it doesn't get any better than Kenny Loggins 'Highway to the Danger Zone' from the Top Gun soundtrack.
Sure, I've considered Eminem's 8-Mile theme 'Lose Yourself' or System Of A Down's thrash metal 'BYOB', but for this mission, the K-Man is the peanut butter to my slice-banana bacon sandwich. Whenever my pedal stroke begins to slow and falter, I'll just imagine myself as Tom Cruise on his motorbike racing a Tomcat at takeoff, pumping his fist as the jet passes, with good ol' Kenny preachin' truth to the beat of some hardcore synth-rock. Man, thinking about it right now just makes me want to go lift some weights and get a tattoo.
PREPARATION: Treading known paths that others have pioneered will limit the impact of unknown variables and likely increase the chance of success traversing from point A to B, but what's the fun of that? Therefore, my training will be based on the following untested 3-day plan. Here's how it goes:
Day One: Take all of the milestones of a 4 month training session and cram it into 12 hours (this plan still allows you to sleep in till noon).
Day Two: Assess how you did on day one. Make up for any perceived shortcomings with repeated vomiting.
In this process, be sure to replenish lost body fluids with only whole milk and/or chicken broth (vegetable broth is not an acceptable substitute).
Day Three: Kick back, sit a spell. Hungry? Go have a bucket of chicken. Still feeling fat? Go ahead and vomit some more. Oh yeah, don't forget to put some extra air in the bike tires before leaving the house.
2 comments:
i'm not sure which is more gross: that uniform or the still shot of vomit in air. eww!
I think you could expand upon the Tom Cruise theme by adding an additional step to your preparation / training routine. By reinacting the unfortunately unforgettable scene in "Risky Business" where he's prancing around the room in his underwear to the musical whims of Bob Segar singing "Old Time Rock and Roll," you could really get an exceptional cardio work out.
Of course, it sounds like anything actually beneficial to your health contradicts most, if not all, of your other preparation techniques.
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