Whenever the merry announcement of pregnancy is announced, I have the habit of offering questionable suggestions concerning namesakes for the forthcoming bundles of joy. The following are for my sister Thuy:
Baby Name Suggestion #1: Sinbad
With the general election still tilting in favor of a Democratic candidate, the future of
As such, we might as well begin assimilating our way of life to "Islamofascism". One way to do that is to name newborns after beloved characters of Arabic literature destined to be hijacked and bastardized into animated Disney characters (Which reminds me- when the hell is Disney going to release their 1922 adaptation of Marquis de Sade's 'School of Licentiousness'?).
Since the conception of this baby name, Thuy and Matt have announced that they are expecting a baby boy. While this makes this name suggestion still in play, would I have suggested it for a girl's name too? Indeed - given the hypothetical context of an Islamo-fascist government that mandates head to toe modesty for women, names don't really matter. Speaking as a bachelor, it all becomes a crap shoot when physical attributes are excluded from the equation and all that you have to rely upon is fluency in proper grammar and the firmness of a handshake.
Baby Name Suggestion #2: Excelsior
Meaning "higher" in Latin, pop culture connoisseurs will recognize this as homage to Marvel Comics legend Stan Lee's trademark sign-off from his editorial column. While the former definition may lend credibility among the college-educated and other pencil-wrist eggheads, it is the later reference that holds promise, albeit of a double-edged nature. To legally bestow such a name to your own kin smacks of hipster-dufusry at its most obscene. Other than the troubling resurgence of Al-Queda to pre-9/11 levels, the diminishing efficacy of antibiotics, and the revival of 'American Gladiator' as prime-time TV, hipster-dufusry and its the long-term ramifications are a looming maelstrom that our nation must inevitably weather in a most hot-tranny-mess fashion.
So why christen your child with such a cross to bear for their lifetime? Easy- It's not your problem. Let's face it sibs, we are losing our cool. While we currently bask in the glow of being the cool aunties and uncles that will explain what 'Don't Taze me, bro!" to your kid's Youth Soccer League teammates and allow them to sample our prescription drugs, the machinery of our cultural apoptosis is spooling up to maximum revolutions to fully render our hip affectations and stylings obsolete. Thus, you parents among us must get while the gettin's good. At most, names such as these will extend your youthful relevance among your peers until your child reaches puberty (or at least until you are arrested for punching the parent of the kid that stretched young Excelsior's underwear to serve double-duty as a headband).
While such a distinct name railroads the fate of the child to either a career in costume management at the local burlesque theatre or as journeyman in the harried trade of chainsaw juggling, it serves a more narcissistic purpose of acting as a tombstone, nay- a monument to a past life that was once full of elan and vigor. When questioned about the origin of his name, your child will deeply sigh, flick the smoldering butt to their spent cigarette, and simply state 'my parents were cool once...and young'.
Baby Name Suggestion #3: Mofo
OK, not really. I think most people (i.e. everyone but me) can all agree that this would be a highly inappropriate baby name. But to investigate its potential, I googled the term 'mofo'. Other than the expected references to the West Virginia Board of Tourism and the Heritage Foundation, the most relevant link is to www.mofo.com, the official website of Morrison & Foerster LLP, a transnational law firm whose transaction and litigation expertise lies in fields of finance, life sciences, and technology.
To confirm its legitimacy, I clicked around the site and it appears to be on the up and up. I found it humorous that on a website titled 'mofo.com', there are the typical navigational tabs such as 'Achievements', 'Offices', and most curious, 'MoFo in the Community'. MoFo's current slogan is particularly captivated fetching, but I think it can be improved upon:
If this cheekiness becomes more widespread in the legal community, I anxiously await for the law offices of
And so ends my latest foray into children names. According to the Union of Concerned Scientists, procreation on my part is unadvised; therefore I hope Thuy and Matt utilize one of these names so that my dubious legacy lives on.
