Dave,
We need to talk.
I've been thinking about this for quite a while and I think we need to spend some time away from each other. The whole time we've been together I've felt like something wasn't right but just haven't been able to put a finger on it. I recently had a moment of clarity that allowed me to figure out what it was.
The truth is I wasn't meant for just one person. Don't get me wrong; the voracious appetite you've shown for me could fulfill my purpose in life a thousand times over. I love the attention you give; caringly opening me to the world so as to avoid ripping me in half and exploding my contents across the room. Your tender hands rolling me tight and secure, my inner soul feeling alive with crisp and zest.
But it must come to a stop; I'm hurting you and you won't realize it until it's too late. At first I took your gold-tinted fingernails as a sign of affection, but the permanent hazard orange stains have become worrying. To be brutally honest, you are getting fat too. It's something that normally happens in my relationships, but I can't let it happen this time. You are a good person that knows better but just got caught up in the passion of the moment.
Get yourself together. Wipe away my crustiness from your lips. Go out and meet someone special. Get married. Have kids. When it feels like you're a family, let me back in your life and share me with your loved ones.
With love and friendship,
Post Script
Initially this was conceived as a letter issued by a corporate Frito-Lay representative imploring one of its customers to stop buying family-sized packages for individual consumption, but I was inspired to revise it into a pseudo love letter between an over-sized bag of chips and its co-dependent husky lover. This idea came to me late one night as I was pouring myself a helping. Rolling the bag of chips closed, I noticed the big bold 'Family-Size' letters emblazoned on the crackly bag. Then it dawned upon me; it's
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